Thinking about Asperger's

I heard from a man who recently received a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome. He sent me an invitation to Asperger's World, so I joined and read some of his comments there. It was interesting to read what he had to say about telling his parents that he has Asperger's. Some of what he wrote reminded me that sometimes I haven't finished processing (if that's the right word) the diagnosis that my son received almost eight years ago.

It's not that I haven't accepted the diagnosis or accepted the fact that Jake will have to deal with this his whole life. The problem is the guilt and worry that I have failed to do what's best for Jake. I worry that, because we didn't know this (even though I knew Jake was different early on), we didn't get Jake the right help. I think his motor skills would be better if he had had occupational therapy as a little boy. Or that he would have less anxiety if we had figured out what was bugging him earlier. I second-guess the decision to let him get a driver's license and to have a car. I feel guilty about letting him stay in public school and about not pushing him to stay active and instead retreat to his solitary pursuits.

Then I realize that most of what happens to Jake from here on out is really up to Jake himself. He, like me and every other adult, will have to learn how to deal with the world himself. He will have to take responsibility for completing his education and for getting a job. If he makes some choices that I think are bad, I can express my opinion but I can't always be there to stop him or even to rescue him. I mean, I will do whatever I can to help him, but ultimately, the path is his to walk.

Comments

[Hozomeen]

Hey Pam,
I just wanted to say that I think that it would only be natural for any caring parent to second guess. Second guessing means you care, it means you are considering the ifs ands and buts of the situation that make things better, but I want you to know that it is my opinion that there is sufficient evidence for me to tell you that I think you did the absolute best job you could. You were concerned, and that is what made the difference. My parents outright dismissed that there was anything wrong with me all along, exacerbating the situation to no end. I will say one thing in their defense however, their commitment to changing me to normal or whatever drove me like a powerful force in the many directions I have been in and made me the man I am today. I am thankful for them, I am thankful for Asperger's, I am thankful for all the challenges that have been met and overcome by me in my life so far. My only regret is that I don't have a real relationship with my parents, and that is their fault for be closed off, not mine, and so I just have to let them live with it, but beyond that I get to wake up every morning and be me, creative, traveled, eccentric, strange, weird, colorful, moody, loving, closed off, and all these things swirled into one. I've been around the world, literally, and I've seen and done things that will take me years to transcribe from my journals, and all cause they pushed me. I think it is great that you second guessed, but don't lament, don't for any reason think you coulda don't it better...you are his mom, and that is the best you can do for him bar none, and you will continue to do so in the future. I can tell, cause you consider the fact that he has to learn and grow on his own. I fear that the propensity to shelter aspie children will turn them into defenseless people, and that isn't what I want for my son. Sometimes I think that maybe I need to rough him up a little bit, ya know, give him a little taste of the same medicine that made me me, but ya know, I'm not gonna do that. My life has been defined by recognizing and breaking a vicious family cycle, so I'll just have to find another way. But there is one thing you can be sure of, and that is this, he'll be tougher than me, smarter than me, and far more intuitive. I think the negative family cycle stems from the feeling that these aspie fathers don't want their sons having the advantages they wish they had had, and so they target them, and run them through the same gauntlet they had to run through to earn their stripes. Oh well, whichever the case may be, my point was to talk about you and not me, so in comparison to myself I can only say that you have done the right thing, overall, when it comes out in the wash, you have done the right thing. Don't sweat the small stuff and beat yourself up, cause you raised a great son, and you continue to be a great mother, and that is something I can never say about my mom, so there...